Don't know why...

Don't know why...
I care so much about this boy that I hardly knew. The first time I saw him, my heart goes out to him.
Don't know why ...
I could feel what he feels, the fear, the disappointment, the hurt, having to lose someone he loves so much.
Don't know why...
I want to do what I can to love and to help.
Don't know why...
For once, it seems to be a genuine feeling from the heart.
Don't know why...
Sometimes I do what I do.
Don't know why...
I felt like I've changed and no longer the same.
Don't know why...
I can't explain when, where or how did it start.
But God knows why...

And it's getting clearer than before,
It gets bigger, wider, purer, and cleaner..
Each time He came in and stay for a little while..
A little longer...finally...
He made it His house,
And the Carpenter begin to tear down, rebuild, reorganise, and refine,
Until it's finally His..
Then..I can finally stay there.

Now I know why...

Many times...

The first time...
I heard about it, and it gripped my heart, it became an answer that I was always looking for.
It opened my eyes, it changes my life, it shows me a new way of living.

The second time...
I began to understand it, I began to find ways to apply it in my life. It became my life purpose and direction.
It guided me in every decision, it made sense of things when things began not to make any sense.

Somewhere in the middle...
I've forgotten about it, it began to fade away in my heart. I get caught up in my own small little world.
In it's absence, there was confusion, a lot more of common sense. Reality seems to be what only the eyes can see.
There were many more choices, many road signs.

The third time...
It began to take hold of me. Thought I've lost it, didn't realise it never left me. It gripped my heart again.
In a way I've never felt before, it speaks of a much more clarity of what life is all about.
It became stronger and more real than ever. Until it's only what I could feel and live for.

Now....
It begin to become a part of who I am. What the eyes see, what the ears hear, what the mouth speaks, and what the heart feels. It has transformed my mind. It gives one way to live, one purpose to live.
It made me believe, that there is only one way, one truth, that leads to life. It's beyond the logic and explanation.
It's what the heart feels, know, understand, believe, and what it become.
I need to show it, I need to say it, I need to give it away, I need to live it, I need to become...

Beautiful

This afternoon was at the wedding...and during the ceremony, when they are exchanging their vow, I felt wow...it's so beautiful. The joining of two hearts, two lives, in the presence of God.
It's something that God has ordained and initiated..long way before time.
And I kept on saying to myself, God..this is so beautiful. And my hearts was touched...as I begin to realise more how beautiful God is, it just amazes me more and more.
Then I was reminded of the picture of Christ and His bride, and I get excited!! Waiting for that day to come, it will be beautiful and glorious, pure and spotless.
Everything else fall short...in comparison to the beauty of our Lord!

In That Place

How do I know when I have died to myself, when the real me has finally surfaced and crucified in the life of Christ?His work seems to be endless, and there's a lot of work to be done in my heart. I realised how complicated a human being is, not just limited to women....it's as if God held up a mirror of the real me, and I get really scared, seeing how there's nothing good apart from God Himself in me. I do get anxious with myself at times, knowing that when my flesh started to take control rather than God Himself, well...things can get messy and I'll be just deceiving myself. Taking pride in the name of God...where self-reliance and the best thought of my mind get involved.

It's a time to go through the fire, time of purification, drawing near to the holiness of God...where no human flesh can stand before Him. Each step requires death, a burn offering pleasing and acceptable to God. There is pain and struggle within the human heart, a fierce battle raging in the inside, constant battle between two kingdoms. And that's when our self-will comes in, we take hold of it and choose whom are we going to serve?
What do we give our life to? do we allow darkness or the light to take hold of our world?there is a light that masked itself as light, where satan is dressed and appear as an angel of light. But the light that is pure, that sets us free, the light that cuts deep within the heart like a double edge sword, where no human flesh can remain alive. It makes us uncomfortable with ourselves, vulnerable, and completely broken, poor....it gets us to the place of humility, a place of realisation how small and fragile everything else, and how steady, strong, and great is our God.

So Lord..I want to remain in that place.
Burn within me with your Holy fire...and take me deeper, that I may stay there.